Category Archives: Gay Christian

Fear, snakes and other unwanted things

24 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by in christian, gay, Gay Christian, homosexuality, Jesus

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We have some friends who had a beautiful home on a lake. The only problem was out of that beautiful, peaceful lake came some very unwanted snakes. In the summer snakes would come out of that lake and take up residence in their back yard. One of their puppies and a snake tangled up more than once. Fortunately, the puppy got the best of the snake every time. The last time was very touch and go, very costly for them financially and emotionally, but the puppy eventually recovered. The snakes were such a problem that they decided to sell their home and build a new one. It had gotten where in warm weather they could not enjoy their beautiful backyard. Even though they had a large fenced yard, they had to take the puppies out on a leash every time they went outside.   Their backyard went from being a paradise they frequently enjoyed, to a fenced in prison no one could visit without being very conscience of their whereabouts. The snakes made them re-adjust the way they lived their lives and what they were comfortable doing.

Their experience with snakes made me think of the Biblical story of the Garden of Eden. You know the serpent in the story lied to Eve about who she was. The serpent further lied to her about who God was. Which made me wonder just how many voices do we allow to speak into our lives to tell us and help us develop our own personal stories. Stories about ourselves, about how God sees us and about how God feels about us.

This world is filled with voices, speaking into our hearts and lives. Some are of God and some are not. I suspect God allows multiple voices to be alive and well because he places such a high premium on freedom of choice. The problem is we have to be careful about which voice we allow ourselves to listen to.   Which voices we decide to believe.

There are a couple of things about the Garden of Eden story that strike me. First, Adam and Eve were in the garden, naked, unashamed and enjoying a personal relationship with God. Then they tangle with the serpent and become ashamed and afraid of God. Which makes me wonder exactly what happened. But I think the secret could be found in the third chapter of Genesis, when God is calling out to Adam and Eve and they hide from him “because they are naked and afraid”. Then God asks an important question, they never really answer. God says “who told you that you were naked”. I suspect it was the serpent who told them. But regardless, it certainly was NOT the voice of God that told them. You see I think the lesson here could be that when we allow voices, other than God or godly voices, to speak into our lives, we become afraid. The serpent told them they were something other than what God told them they were … they believed it and their reality took a 180 degree turnabout. Lies have a way of undermining faith and breeding fear. And be clear, faith and fear cannot co-exist. When we hold tight to beliefs that are not of God, even if we think they are of God, we live in fear. God is love and perfect love casts out all fear. The parallel here is if you are living in fear, you are listing to the wrong voices. People who self-identify as Christians, yet spew out hatred, are simply living in fear. People who self-identify as Christians who do not love their neighbor, are simply living in in fear. People who self-identify as Christians, yet kick their gay child out of their home, are simply living in fear.

Which brings me to my final thought. What is it you have been told, that I have been told, that is something contrary to what God has said? Instead of God calling out to us and saying “who told you that you were naked” He is calling out saying “who told you that you were unlovable? Who told you that you were an abomination? Who told you that God does not love you? Who told you that you are unworthy? Who told you that you are not welcome at the table of God? Who told you that you must abide by a list of rules in order to gain favor with God? Who told you that you are going to hell for something innate, inborn that is out of your control? Who told you??? Who. Told. You.

Just like it did at my friends beautiful home … The snakes in our lives make us re-adjust the way we live our lives and what we are comfortable doing. So if voices in your life begin to instill fear in you. Begin to heap shame on you. Do not listen to them! They are lying as sure as the serpent in the Garden of Eden lied.

Do not accept lies about yourself. Do not accept lies about God. And certainly do not accept lies about your worth or relationship to God. The truth is God loves you inexhaustibly, unconditionally, and relentlessly just as you are right this moment. If someone tries to tell you differently, look them straight in the eye and see them for the serpent they are and quickly separate yourself. Quickly. Because your soul is FAR too precious to be sacrificed on the altar of someone else’s fear.

 

 

Twenty Four Days

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by in christian, gay, Gay Christian, homosexuality, Marriage, Uncategorized, whosoever

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I am a 51 year old female.  I am a recovering republican, who is actually more libertarian leaning.    I love dogs.  Really I love all animals.  I attend church regularly.  I tithe regularly.  I volunteer my time regularly.  I was saved at a Billy Graham crusade in 1977 and walked down to that huge football field all by myself because I wanted to be in the family of Jesus.  I have not always given my relationship with Jesus the time, attention and faithfulness it deserves, but I have always returned to my basic Christian core beliefs.  I have sung in choirs, taught Sunday school and participated in multiple ministerial outreaches.

I love college football.  I have worked for the same agency since 1987.  I have lived in the same community since 1987.  I pay my taxes and file my taxes on time.  I believe voting is not only a privilege but a responsibility.  I have a grown foster son whom I adore, who makes me proud on a daily basis simply by just being.  I am a stable, law abiding citizen, as well as a good neighbor.

I am getting married in 24 days.  I am marrying a remarkable, loving, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful, God loving woman.  I realize some of you just referred back to the first sentence to double check because you thought you just read I am marrying a woman.  Yes I am marrying a woman. That is the good news.

The bad news is we are being required to travel thousands of miles to get married.  Because of the distance, time and financial obligation it takes, we are being married without many people whom we love and adore in attendance.  We have to arrive 3 days early to declare our intent to marry and then wait 72 hours, thousands of miles from home so we can get married.  We have to get married on a Thursday so logistically we can file our marriage intentions on Monday, wait the required 72 hours, have a ceremony, then get the papers back to the Town Clerk by Friday to register our nuptials.

We will file Federal tax returns as a married couple, and then have to refigure them as single people so we can file our State taxes.  Even through our home State law says it is illegal to file your State taxes with a different marital status then the Federal taxes (talk about a pill in the jam).

I say all of this to say, marriage means something.  Not just to opposite sex folks.  Why are we jumping through all of these hoops, when it is simply easier to go with the status quo and wait for legal marriage to arrive in our home State?  For many reasons, one of which is there are 1138 Federal benefits married couples qualify for that unmarried couples do not.  That in and of itself is a compelling enough reason; but the real reason we decide to do this is because we love each other.  We want to protect each other.

I was recently diagnosed with cancer.  In the hospital, the doctor’s offices, the pathology labs, etc. I did not have a life partner; I had a “sister” or “a person”.  In my home state, when I die, the funeral home has the LEGAL right to deny my life partner the right to make my funeral arrangements.  The hospitals can refuse to allow her to spend the night with me during my multiple surgeries because we are not family.   My biological family who has not spoken to me in years can fight my WILL in court, because she and I are not married and not considered family.

It is ironic to me when over 50% of all marriages are ending in divorce (and were ending at that rate before same-sex marriage became an issue) why is it that same sex marriage is “destroying” the institution of marriage? I have never been able to figure that one out.

Same sex couples have a much harder road to become legally married.  Yet, we still jump through all those hoops, to experience the luxury and wonder of being married.  When opposite sex people are getting married less frequently and waiting longer to get married, same sex couples are begging for the right to be treated as equals.

When opposite sex people have the option of a covenant marriage, which is harder to get out of, and refuse to do it I am puzzled.  If you are not that serious about marriage and are already looking for the easiest way to dissolve it “should things go south” why bother?  My fiancée and I would enter a covenant marriage in a heartbeat … but alas we are not allowed to do so.

I really do not understand why the gay community has to beg to be offered solace and membership in church families, and after repeated rejection we continue to stand at the door and continue to knock.  Hoping one day someone will find us worthy of God’s love, even if the church membership cannot find it in their heart to love us.  We are begging to be allowed to be married.  The fact that we have to beg is pathetic.  We live in a secular world, where legal unions should be available to everyone.  People who are not citizens of this great country are allowed to marry, while gay citizens are not.

If you don’t want us getting married in your churches, I am fine with that.  If you want to make a policy where it is not allowed by your denomination, I am fine with that.  But do not tell me in a secular society I cannot legally do something that other citizens and non-citizens are allowed to do when I work hard, pay my taxes and live a law abiding life.  It is time for that double standard to go.  It is an undue hardship on those of us who want the dream of a marriage.  Who deserve the dream of a marriage.  It is time for same sex couples to be able to get married in their home communities surrounded by people they love and whose support is paramount to them, instead of being forced to travel thousands of miles.

I am a lesbian and I am going to be a wife in a God honoring marriage.   In 24 days I am getting married and I could not be happier or more blessed.

Fruits or Fruitloops

10 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by in christian, gay, Gay Christian, homosexuality, Jesus, servant, Uncategorized, whosoever

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You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Matthew 7:16

I had a really great conversation yesterday with a woman whom I respect immensely. She is fair, balanced, knowledgeable and even handed in her approach to spiritual matters, and if I am honest, life in general. This woman is wise beyond her years and is incredibly meek, which I define as velvet covered steel.

I love God and follow Jesus, but I am no theologian. I do not study the scripture as much as I should. I, quite frankly, am a ragamuffin with a checkered past who is embarrassed by the things I have done, the short comings I still have, and struggle from time to time to be more faithful to Jesus every day I live. I am also like any other human, I am more committed sometimes and less other times and I do not always agree with the woman mentioned in the paragraph above. However, as she and I were discussing “gay issues”, we both agreed that being gay was not a salvation, eternity deal breaker for God. We started at the exact same point in our theology, faith and belief system. However, we would venture down a path and would be in agreement to a certain extent and then she would say something to the effect of we have to remember or bring in to the equation what the Bible says. To which I nodded my head and in my heart was in total, absolute agreement. The fly in the jam is that we both deeply believe the Bible says two different things.

Which got me to thinking, what does the Bible say? How do we know what the Bible says? Whose interpretation is correct? Whose essay is the most accurate?

When a person can go to any bookstore and pick up a book which supports just about any stance, on any issue, how do we wade through the mire to get to the truth? For instance, I can go to any Barnes and Noble and in a matter of three aisles find books that say the faiths of Islam, Hindu, Buddha, Jews, Mormons, Catholics or Protestant are all correct and the ONLY way to the hereafter; if in fact there is a hereafter, because there is a book for that too. It can be confusing at best.

So back to my conversation. As this woman and I were talking she said “I think the thing that bothers you most is the hypocrisy”. At first I thought, yes that is it … people want to strain the gnat out of another’s life while swallowing a camel in their own. Yes, that is it! That is what bother me! Case settled.

But the more I pondered her words, I discovered, yes that bothers me; yet it is not what bothers me most. Quite frankly what others say DOES have an effect on me. My feelings can be hurt by critical evaluation or rejection just like anyone else. So when someone tells me I have sin in my life it bothers me. I want to honestly self-reflect, see what is going on and make it a matter of prayer.

You know the old adage we all live in sin, we are sinners fallen from grace, no sin is greater than another, etc. I agree with all that. I agree we are all in a fallen state. I agree I have sin in my life. No argument from me on any of those points.

The problem for me is when people point out a “sin” that is NOT a sin. Just because a person is uncomfortable with something does not make it a sin. Just because a person heard all their life it is a sin, does not make it a sin. Just because a person’s momma or preacher or auntie said it was a sin, does not make it a sin. Just because a person believes something, does not make it truth.

Yes, it is hypocritical of anyone to point out sin in another’s life while they have sin in their own, and she is right, I do not like it. But when you tell me by simply BEING I am sinning, I have a problem with it.   If you are going to point out sin in my life then pick a REAL SIN. Pick out something that can be changed, pick something I can address and become more Christ like.   The solitary fact I am gay does not make me less like Christ.

Tell me I am uncaring, inhospitable, a liar, a cheat, a thief, a gossip, unloving, lazy, prideful, impatient, undisciplined, greedy … something … give me something that can be changed. Do not tell me I am living in sin each and every day when I wake up and draw a breath just because of who I am.

The reason I don’t want to hear this is because I have petitioned God for YEARS, I have cried innumerable tears, I have fasted, I have prayed for hours, I have read books, I have contemplated suicide, I have attempted suicide because death seemed like a relief, I have been excluded from churches and ministries, I have been laughed at and bullied, then at my ropes end I have petitioned God some more, cried some more, prayed some more and guess what … nothing. Silence. Deafening silence.

Instead of giving up in the silence, I leaned in more. I repeated the prayers, the moans, the tears, the fasting, etc. then one day, in my spirit, I heard God whisper … “You are as I have created you. All I ask is for you to be willing and obedient and I will take care of the rest.” Since that day my prayer each and every day I breathe is for God to lead me to do what He would have me do and give me the courage to do it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

My life is not perfect. I am not perfect. I am still a ragamuffin who is saved by grace and lives through mercy. But strangely my life is fuller than it has ever been. My relationship with God is deeper than it has ever been. My ministry to others is more effective than it has ever been. My heart is more expanded and compassionate than it has ever been. My motives are purer than they have ever been. While I have millions of miles to go, I am more Christ like than I have ever been. God is bringing me to a place each and every day that is sweeter than the day before.

So how do we know what is true? When it comes to really difficult decisions or issues within major theological splits we have to remember there were Christians BEFORE there was a Bible. Therefore, there has to be something more than searching scripture and fighting over interpretation. Doesn’t there? Two people look at the same thing and see two different things. To each they speak the truth as they see it. But truth by definition excludes opposing opinions.

This ragamuffin has a humble opinion that what is true is discovered through a relationship with Jesus Christ. Through talking with Him daily. Getting to know him intimately. Christians are Christ followers, by definition. We become more like who we commune with. We become more like what and who we surround ourselves with. So if you are steadily pouring Jesus Christ into your life, guess what … you are going to become more Christ like. If you cannot go straight to the source for the difficult questions then to whom should a person turn?

Like I said previously I am not a theologian, I am simply a human who loves God.   I might be wrong. If I am, I will have eternity to think about it. In the meantime I will take great comfort in reminding myself a tree is known by its fruit. I have dedicated my life to Jesus Christ. I know the fruit that is being produced in my life through Jesus Christ. I know, that I know, that I know what God has brought alive in my heart. I can only pray he brings such things you question and struggle with alive in your heart too.

Maybe, just maybe, we need to be open to the idea that many, many answers may never be found in libraries or concordances or reference manuals, but rather in times of prayer and communion pouring our questioning, doubtful and wounded hearts out to a loving God.  Let’s dare to put feet on our faith and see where God takes us.